This is the first of a series of interviews or conversations, as I like to call them, with people who are extraordinary in my eyes. Either by the way they live, the things they’ve done, or simply how they interact with the world day to day. Carli Lloyd has been my teammate now for 4 years with the national team. She has been someone I have admired for a very long time. It is pure joy to share her raw, powerful voice to the world.
Olympian, Champions League winner, University of California Berkeley Hall of Fame… with this kind of resume it’s easy to see that strength comes naturally for Carli Lloyd. On the court, Carli’s explosiveness and athleticism fills up every inch of her 6 foot frame. Despite all that, I think her most amazing strength is her mental approach to life. Carli’s story is one that has been cultivated through successes and failures, giving her perspective to how she lives her life day to day. Summarizing her words into an article wouldn’t do it justice, so the following is our transcribed conversation where I had the chance to sit down and pick her brain. I’ve been fortunate enough to have these conversations a handful of times on road trips or in the gym with Car, and I can honestly say that each time we speak I’m left feeling powerful and in control of the things I believe will make my life more fulfilled. What I love most is that our conversations go beyond volleyball. They apply to everyone who searches to find purpose and passion in life. In our conversation we touch on self-acceptance, living from a place of love, and how to handle the things in life we can’t control. Carly is not only an amazing athlete, she’s an incredible role model and even better friend. Enjoy!
CHANGE IS GOOD:
I’ve accepted change in my life and am open to change and excited about change. I think that’s why I have so much peace every day.
One thing I’ve learned and I’ve accepted, is that things change all the time; and that’s ok. I’ve accepted change in my life and am open to change and excited about change. I think that’s why I have so much peace every day. The reason I say that is because for a long time when I was starting my spiritual journey, or whatever you want to call it, I was like, “I have to meditate right when I wake up, and I have to journal every day, I have to listen to this podcast, and read my book…” I felt like I had a huge to do list to get me to where I wanted to be, that it started to stress me out. Some of it would work, and then I would get to the point where I didn’t have the time and I would stress myself with these things that I knew would help me, but it felt like I was forcing myself to get everything done. So then I started just checking in and asking myself “what is it that I want, what do I need and what do I feel.” Every day was different. That’s where my peace came in. Every day you wake up its a new day, it’s a new start. Every day its about what will fill me up/what is going to bring me joy today. I don’t have a specific routine. I know the things that bring me joy. For example, my morning coffee or my morning tea is a huge moment of gratitude for me. I love that time, I love the morning. I love how slow it is and how quiet it is and I take advantage of it. I always wake up early before practice to just take the time.
What I believe is good for me is whatever I feel that day. It doesn’t have to be the same thing that it was the day before. I do think ritual is good for some people. I think that it keeps people honest and it forces you, in a way, to do it every day, but in that way, you’re not open to change in your life. There might be a new person that comes into your life or someone teaches you something new or a new idea pops in, so I’ve found a lot of joy in really showing up and being present in the newness that happens every day, then trying it and seeing how it works for me.
THE UNCONTROLLABLES:
What helped me then and what helps me every day is acceptance. Accepting what is and being conscious of my intention each day.
I think that in a way, life happens in phases. We’ll go through a really great period where everything feels so good. Then something will happen where it’ll just break your heart or you’ll start thinking really negatively about something or you’ll go through something that feels like depression. These things happen to me still. When it does, I’m really aware of it. What I try to do is embrace it as much as I can with self- awareness. For example, my shoulder surgery. Everything was going great, I was feeling amazing all summer and then all the sudden this injury happens and just completely sets me back. I had to choose between getting a surgery and cancelling a very big contract, or trying to play with a scary injury that could hurt my shoulder worse. In that moment, what helped me was realizing this situation is out of my control, it happened and it’s not great. It’s not to say I didn’t cry about it or feel emotions that weren’t positive, but it’s not something I could change so I focused on what I could control. What helped me then and what helps me every day is acceptance. Accepting what is and being conscious of my intention each day. What did I want to get out of that time. I think when someone is going through something really tough, it’s important to remember that there will absolutely be a lesson or something to be taken from it, it’s inevitable that there will be something. If you can accept that and be open to whatever is going to happen, it is very likely you’re going to look back and say that you were thankful for the process. Every single time I’ve gone through something difficult in my life, I’ve looked back and found something to be thankful for in some way. It’s not always easy. Theres been times for example when working with my mentor, where I’ve said to her “there’s nothing to be thankful, there’s absolutely nothing” and she would take a second and say, “Carli, look at it like this, you just have to change your perspective.” “Someone else might come into your life and say that’s it, that’s what you should be thankful for.” So another part of this is staying open to the messengers, to the guides, to the teachers that come into your life. There’s so much to be learned in those moments of shittiness.
So another part of this is staying open to the messengers, to the guides, to the teachers that come into your life.
It’s hard to see it right away because right away it’s shock. The first thing that you get to recognize is it’s not something you planned. We all tend to have expectations in life and when things don’t meet your expectations it can cause a freak out moment. Once you’ve recognized that your path has changed and accepted that it’s something new now, there’s beauty in it. You get to reset and go forward from that new space.
LIVING WITH LOVE:
If I can feel full of love then I believe that my experiences can be full of love and maybe the people around me can feel that love too.
Love for me is in everything. In everything that I do, in the way I want to live, it’s been a journey to get to this place. I think I’ve always been a fan of love in the romantic sense. I’ve always been a romantic girl and I like romantic movies and in THAT sense love is beautiful to me. But love for me now has kind of become a way of living. If I can feel full of love then I believe that my experiences can be full of love and maybe the people around me can feel that love too. The world has a lot of negativity and hatred and pessimism and judgement in it. I believe that when bad stuff happens by people it is a reflection of what that person is going through internally and each person is responsible for how they treat their internal world and their external world. When I show up to a moment and I’m not feeling good, the moment seems bad, but when I’m feeling good, the moment feels different. It’s just your perspective of it. It’s how you are reflecting your internal world. The more I can live from a place of love, the more I can give love, feel love, and share love.
THE MINDSET:
Accepting what IS. What is in your power in this moment, what can you control. I think just the more present you can be in a situation the more proactive you can be. Your state of mind is what puts you in the right place.
Self awareness. Being aware of what it is that I’m feeling, what it is I’m doing, and that my perspective of things is really important and I’m accepting whatever it is I’m in. If I’m feeling stressed… just being ok with it and not augmenting it and letting it escalate. I can be sad and I can cry and that’s ok. In the past if I was sad, and I was crying, and I was stressed, I would be pissed that I was sad, crying, and stressed. Then I would be even more angry that i was sad, crying, etc…… and then it’s like this downward spiral/train of negativity that is hard to stop. I think that self awareness and acceptance is really important because it allows you to be ok with whatever state you are in and whatever you’re going through. There’s no rule book to life that says exactly what you’re supposed to be and do…so everyone has to do what works for them. What’s ok for them. For me, love is the answer to everything. If you can live in a space of love and see from a place of love, there’s no wrong in that. That’s where I try to get to every day… to live from that place.
LOVING YOURSELF:
If you can self love and self sufficiently live, then when you become a partner to someone… if you can show up fully and have someone add to that, that’s just bliss.
I have to say that was a huge step in my journey. That was a huge process for me. Actually, it still is every day. Being able to feel like love is in me to give and that I can turn my love inward and love myself as well. We aren’t exactly raised from when we are little to know that it’s ok to love yourself and to take care of yourself. It seems egotistical and sometimes you’re told you’re not supposed to think that you’re a beautiful person because you’re supposed to be humble. There is a very fine line here. Again, there is no rulebook on how to live perfectly but there are ways to live that are very beautiful and very powerful. I believe that having self-love is VERY IMPORTANT. If you can self love and self sufficiently live, then when you become a partner to someone… if you can show up fully and have someone add to that, that’s just bliss. That inner work is something that I continue to practice. I’m searching for ways to fill my tank up first because if i don’t and I’m running on empty and I show up to a situation… my outward experience will reflect that lack of love in me. I’m a very transparent person. I live honestly, theres no hiding. I believe in showing up and living fully in every situation. The more you can do that for your significant other the more it benefits them. That’s less work they have to do for you and that’s more energy they can put into themselves so that they can show up better for you. You’re the only person you can truly take care of and they are the only person they can truly take care of. Approaching the relationship from that state of fullness can allow for a healthier, deeper and more meaningful connection.
SELF DOUBT:
My younger years I lived a lot in that space. I lived in a perfectionist mindset. “if i’m not perfect, then that person will be upset, and then i won’t be performing the best that I can, and so maybe I won’t be playing next to…” so many thoughts that weren’t productive. This is actually a normal space to live in as an athlete. I say that because I have been an athlete for a long time and I know A LOT of athletes that have faced the same self-doubt. I think it’s impossible for an athlete not to have those negative thoughts come in. But it is the awareness and recognition of the thought and the ability to release it that’s important. Because the thought can come in, but it doesn’t have to stay long. What I’ve learned with myself is the negative thought part of it will happen sometimes. If I do something and I felt like it was great and the reaction of the attacker was like “dude it’s too low then I’m like damnit I thought it was good.” The initial reaction whatever it is…thats ok. Then it immediately becomes “ok now what can I do to fix it or what is my next job on the court.” The longer you stay in that space or reaction the less effective you will be as time goes on. Moments are passing, you can’t stop time. You can’t push pause. If you can be aware of this on the court and realize that every single play is a new play and there’s nothing attached to the last play or two plays ago, your mind will be at ease. You don’t have to be thinking or worried about what just happened. All you can take care of is the NOW. The present moment is the only moment you have any power in. That’s what I try to remind myself. I do still get caught sometimes though. I still have those down moments, I think they are just fewer. That’s my goal every day. Can I be better. It’s just about being better.
The present moment is the only moment you have any power in.
What I’m trying to do is just be the best version of myself I can be. Whatever that is. I want to feel like i’m doing that. The actions and the things I do each day come from that space of me searching for that version of me.
5 TIPS TO THE WORLD
1. live from a place of love.
2. find what brings you joy and do that
3. eat what is going to make your body feel good and perform well as an athlete and person. put things into your body that will help you. fuel for your soul and fuel for your body.
4. gratitude. whether it’s a gratitude journal. finding gratitude in what you have and what you don’t have yet and what is. just be grateful for it.
5. find people to surround yourself with that you can learn from and that make you feel good. that make you feel loved that support your growth and where you want to go.
CLOSING THOUGHTS
People have more control over the way they feel than they want to admit. I think that whatever experience you are having is in your own control. Your reaction and your perception of the situation is your own. I think that people’s self awareness and accepting of things the way they are is a fundamental key in moving forward in a positive direction. The first step is taking responsibility of where you are in your own life and then living from a place of love.
Check out more of my work with USA volleyball here.
